


Do Not Feed The Animals

by NervousOtaku



Category: Original Work
Genre: Especially If They're Monsters, Government Agency, Kinda, Men in Black - Freeform, Surprise Job-Opportunity, This Is Why You Don't Feed The Animals, unnamed narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 05:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10327217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousOtaku/pseuds/NervousOtaku
Summary: There's a reason for that rule, I know.After five years of feeding my ‘pet,’ I thought nothing could surprise me any more. Looks like I was wrong.





	

“I'm a little surprised, honestly.” I told the two.

“About what.” one said blankly.

“For one thing, that it took you so long. For another, that you actually exist. And third, I thought that the MIB was reserved for aliens.”

“Not at all, ma'am. Anything that fits into the category of the paranormal or extraordinary is our business.” the second said calmly.

“So is this the part where I direct you to the cave, then get convenient amnesia? Or go missing?” I hummed, crossing my legs as I slurped at my lemonade.

“That depends, ma'am.”

I set my glass down on the coffee table and pulled my legs up onto the couch. Leaning back, I examined the two sitting across from me. I had offered the couch up, but they had declined, instead going for the recliner and the bean-bag chair of all things. They both wore immaculate black suits, but lacked the stereotypical sunglasses everyone pictured them in. Instead, a pair of black trilby hats and surprisingly heavy black coats were on my coat-rack. I mean, I was known to drink hot chocolate in the dead of summer, but come on! They were wearing suits! With those coats? And they didn't even take any lemonade I offered them!

I looked again to the card on the table. It was practically plain white, with small, neat black print in the corner declaring them to be the Men In Black.

Well, considering my ‘pet,’ very little surprised me any more.

“Alright then. What exactly do you want me to do?” I asked.

“If you could describe how you first discovered the creature?” Recliner asked, taking out a notepad.

“Well, I live alone, halfway up the side of the mountain. I kinda hafta be aware of when the people downhill start talking about dangerous creatures and the like. And the farmers were talking about animals going missing. Not like the typical, ‘Oh, I lost a chicken,’ animal-gone-missing. One guy lost two cows in one week. Full-grown. You've seen cows up close, right?”

“They're pretty beefy.” Bean-Bag nodded.

I snorted. He beelined for my bean-bag chair and now he made puns. I think I liked him.

“But anyway, I was out walking when I found... I'm going to call it a cow total. I guess the meal was interrupted or something, but whatever happened, it was a mess. Like when a three-year-old throws a fit over a bowl of strained peas and you find it all over the ceiling, the walls, and by some miracle even in the next room.”

“Was it then that you encountered the creature?”

“Nah. Later that day, almost nightfall. I was out on the patio with my laptop and a bunch of snacks. I guess the smell of cow had lingered despite my shower or something, because he came right at me. I panicked and chucked my root beer at him before running inside. He's a pretty big fella, so I must not've been thinking too clearly, since he could easily wreck the place. Amazing he doesn't just uproot all the trees.”

“What makes you so sure it's a he?” Recliner asked.

“When he sunbathes, he lies on his back. I get a pretty good view of the deluxe package when he chooses to do that on my lawn.”

“How'd he take to the root beer?” Bean-Bag asked.

“Very well. Drank everything that hadn't splashed out of the bottle in one gulp.”

The two exchanged a look.

“I know,” I nodded, understanding, “It was weird. But it gave me an idea, so I got out all the soda I had and rolled it down the stairs over to him. I also threw over an open bag of cheesy popcorn and one of Doritos. Scarfed those down too and left without much fuss. Started to repeatedly come back, though, an excellent example of why you don't feed the animals. I'm pretty sure he can understand me, too. I mean, I was able to sorta train him, and in less than half the time it takes to train a well-behaved dog.”

“Popcorn and Doritos?”

“I tried candy once, but he doesn't care too much for it. I think it gums up his teeth.” I nodded. That episode had meant a lot of candy for me, but not a lot of food for my ‘pet.’

“Now, could you describe him?” Recliner asked.

“Well... I've been calling him the Jersey Devil.”

They both raised an eyebrow.

I grabbed my lemonade and took a quick swig before continuing.

“He's kinda like a mix between a goat, a bear, and a gorilla, with a big, thick tail. No wings, goat hooves, huge clawed hands, lots of fur, spiral-horns like a ram, huge fangs that stick out like a saber-tooth... But you can really see the Jersey Devil even without the wings. About half as big as the house.”

“That's a lot of junk-food.” Recliner commented.

“Oh, he eats other things too. He's just the most fond of junk-food. As long as it isn't candy. So I just prepare enough food for seven people instead of just me, and feed him all the leftovers. It's still a lot of food, but I've been at it for five years now. Long enough to learn how to effectively stretch resources out.” I replied.

Before any more questions could be asked, a loud roar sounded, shaking the house and temporarily deafening me.

“If you'll excuse me!” I yelled, standing up.

Jogging to the kitchen, I grabbed a two-liter of Orange Crush, a liter of Dad's Root Beer, a party-sized bag of Cheetos deluxe mix, and a gallon of Neapolitan ice-cream. The two Men In Black had recovered enough to start following me as I ran down the hall with my cargo, kicking the front-door open.

I charged onto the patio and stood at the railing. Since my house was built into the cliffside, the first floor was roughly six feet above ground-level. When he stood next to the patio, the Jersey Devil still stood three feet taller than me, meaning he was at least fourteen-and-a-half-feet tall.

Said monster was currently pacing back and forth, roaring and swinging his tail. This created huge gusts of wind that actually felt really nice and refreshing, but that was dangerously close to both my car and the MIB's.

“Hey, you!” I yelled, grabbing his attention. “Yeah, you! What are you, three?! Throwing a fit like that!”

A loud, harsh bark showed off just how big his mouth was and just how many teeth he had.

“I don't wanna hear about it! You think you're all that, but lemme tell you, you aren't!”

His growl rumbled in the ground and vibrated up through my feet into my bones.

“Don't take that tone with me!” I retorted, pointing aggressively. As he started to turn away, I yelled, “Where you think you're going?! I'm not done with you! And if you go wreck stuff, then you know I'll stop feeding you, right?! Yeah, that's right, bye-bye to your junk-food!”

The devil marched right up to the patio, rearing up slightly in order to put one huge paw-hand on the wooden boards as he glared and growled.

“Look, I brought all this out— You sit down and settle down, you can have it, got it?” I bargained, adjusting how I held everything so he could see.

Huffing, my ‘pet’ turned and marched into the middle of the yard. He turned in a few circles, then sat and glared at me. I nodded and tossed over the chips. Next came the two bottles of soda, followed by the ice-cream, which I had to use both hands and a spinning toss to get anywhere near him. Satisfied with all that, he settled down and began the delicate process of opening things with his massive claws. With a huff of my own, I went back inside.

Recliner had apparently been recording the whole encounter, and was now putting away the camera he'd done it on. It looked like Bean-Bag had been reaching for a weapon inside his jacket, hand still there as he watched me come in.

“... We're all good?” I asked, flashing a quick thumbs-up.

“You always fight with him like that?” Recliner asked.

“Nah... I think he smelled you is all. He doesn't like people too much.” I replied, waving them off.

The ground suddenly bucked under our feet, making them get tense again.

“Sunbathing.” I said simply, stepping around them to head back into the kitchen. “Anyway, now that you've seen him, what happens?”

“Since you seem to have a handle on the situation, nothing much, ma'am. We'll monitor your situation and help provide in times of need, but that's essentially it.” Bean-Bag told me as they followed.

“We advise that you cut back on how much you travel, and if he reacts violently to strangers, decrease the amount of visitors you receive as well. Keep him calm and within the forest, and try to keep too many people from finding out about him. Record his habits and any abnormalities—”

“Wait, am I being initiated into your crew or something?!” I demanded, halting with my hand near the freezer-door.

“If that is how you wish to interpret it.”

“You can be an unpaid intern.” Bean-Bag said helpfully.

My jaw dropped.

I guess there were still some surprises left for me in the world.


End file.
